editing essay

This is an advertisment analyses essay . you have to watch the video in the link in the last page . I want to edit it .

 

1-The thesis statement need more details.

2-correct the errors (grammar and sentence)

3-In the forth paragraph she wrote for me how do you know this and you have to specific the audience

 

 

the comment 

This essay statrs out strong, and has a lot of very strong points in it .You come back to the emotional appeal that the ad uses several times,and this makes for a ud=seful framing device.You also bring up some points I had not considered yet,like how children are represented in the ad and why this matters. The later paragraphs are not strong as the early ones , how ever,primarily because you lose track of how the poins you are making relate aback to your commercial,and you do not develop your points as effectively as before.Work on improving those later points ,examplesseem useful but out of place ;you have already moved on to some of the broader implications of the ad,so coming back to the mechanics of how it works is jarring.overall,strong start,but still needs work towards the end.

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